by Lisa De Jong
Asher inhales a deep breath. “When it rains, Kate. Remember me.” His voice is so low, but every word registers with me. It’s his goodbye. I know it is. He’s struggling to breathe as I rest my cheek against his shoulder.
“I love you, Asher,” I whisper, running my fingers through his hair. He doesn’t move, but my pleas continue, hoping he can hear me. “I’m so glad that you found me. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ll always remember you.” I sob, moving a little closer. “You’ll always be in my heart,” I whisper right next to his ear, hoping he can hear me.
His breathing slows even more. I grip his t-shirt with my fist and pinch my eyes shut, letting his usual scent fill me. I run my fingertips over his facial features, memorizing each and every one of them. If I can’t have him here forever, I’m going to cement everything about him into my mind so that it’s with me whenever I need it.
“You mean everything to me,” I whisper.
Daniel cries out from the chair on the other side of the bed. He’d been so quiet; I forgot he was even here. “He’s gone, Kate.”
I lift my head and look down at the man whose soul is connected to mine. He’s turning paler, and when I put my hand over the heart that saved me, I feel nothing. He’s gone. The man who brought me back to life just lost his.
Time stands still.
I feel lost, like I’m not actually in my own body.
I’ve known for a while that this day would come, but I never let it seep into my heart enough to truly feel it. Reality has hit me hard and knocked me out.
“I’m going to make some calls,” Daniel says, barely able to get the words out.
I don’t even glance in her direction. I keep my eyes locked on Asher. I think I love him more now than I did when I woke up this morning. He looks peaceful, like he has the countless other times I’ve watched him sleep, but this time is different.
I’ll never get to see his eyes again.
I’m still breathing, blood is still pumping through my body, but the rest of me . . . empty. Without Asher, I’m having a hard time seeing what’s in front of me. I don’t know where to go from here. I do know that I owe it to him not to fall back into my old pattern of self-loathing. My way of keeping his memory alive is to live my life. I have a chance to do things that he will never get to experience.
“I’m going to go fishing next summer,” I cry, letting my head fall back on the pillow. “And I’m going to try French fries dipped in ice cream.”
I run my fingers through his hair, feeling the silky texture one more time. “And, when I have s’mores, I’ll make an extra one for you. When I hear our favorite songs, I’ll dance for you. I’ll do anything for you. I’ll do it all for you.”
I press my lips to his one last time before burying my face in his t-shirt.
****
It could have been two minutes later, or two hours later, when Daniel comes in and says something about taking Asher away. I don’t move as two hands gently pull me away from him. I watch as they cover him with a white sheet and take him from the room.
I sit quietly on the chair in the corner, bouncing my leg up and down as I watch the world move in slow motion around me. These are people who don’t know me, who didn’t know Asher. Most of them look sad, but they don’t feel what I feel right now. They haven’t just said goodbye to someone they love.
This is the loneliest, saddest place I’ve ever been.
I would give my life for one more dance, one more fishing trip . . . one more chance to make love, maybe under the stars this time. It’s amazing how many times in life I’ve said, “I want to do that someday,” not thinking that someday might never come. I will never take someday for granted again.
I’ve held him for the last time.
I’ve kissed him for the last time.
But I’ll think about him always and love him forever.
Chapter 25
When I walk into Asher’s house sometime later, my eyes are locked on his bedroom door. Maybe if I stare at it long enough, he’ll come walking through it, and this will all have been a terrible misunderstanding. But it’s all a delusion; a big hopeless delusion.
Tears flow from my eyes. I don’t even bother wiping them away because they will just continue to dampen my cheeks. I don’t have the energy or the strength to care. I’m emotionally and physically numb.
After they took Asher away, his mom left. She wants to fly home and get Aubrey so we can all plan the funeral. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but I ended up going home with Daniel.
As I stare at the plain walls, I pray again for the nightmare to end, but deep down inside, I know it’s an impossible dream. I would give up everything to have him back. Everything.
Daniel sits next to me, but I can’t bring myself to look at his face. He’s the only other person in this town who knew Asher. And now, we’re the only two people in this town who are mourning the loss of him. He may be the only person who can understand what I’m going through right now. It gives us a bond that will connect us forever.
Biting down on my lip, I eye his brown leather shoes as he stands and walks through the living room. As soon as he disappears from sight, I hear crying; deep, painful, screeches. I break down all over again. I wish I was strong enough to comfort him right now, but I can’t even do anything for my own broken, tortured heart. Instead, it makes me feel the extreme gravity of the situation.
Asher’s never coming back.
Life’s not fair. Life’s often complicated, leaving us to deal with things that we shouldn’t have to. Life can make you smile one day, only to leave you broken into tiny little pieces the next.
I wrap my arms around my legs and rest my chin on my knees. I cry uncontrollably as I close my eyes and picture his face.
Asher’s dad must have called my mom because she walked into the house not long after. As soon as I saw her, I fell apart. I’ve never needed my mom more. She quickly moves toward me and pulls me into her arms.
“I’m so sorry,” she says, resting her head on mine. “I’m so, so sorry.”
I can’t form words as I grip her green knit sweater in my hands and bury my face into the fabric.
“He’s not in pain anymore,” she says, running her fingers through my hair. We remain in the same place, embraced in each other’s arms for several minutes. I’m trying to process everything that happened today while she gives me a soft place to land.
“We’re going to get through this,” she whispers against my ear.
“I love you,” I say, burying my face in her sweater. I want to make sure she knows it, today more than ever. I will never take someone who I love for granted again.
She steps back, holding my face in her hands. “I’ve loved you since the day the doctor told me I was pregnant. And, every day that love grows stronger, especially when I see the kind, caring woman you’ve become.”
We stay in the middle of the living room, holding each other a little longer. After my body stops trembling, my mom wipes my face with a tissue and helps me sit back down on the couch. “I’m going to go see if Daniel needs anything, and then I’m going to take you home.”
I nod, unable to speak through the constant sniffles that remain. When she disappears into the kitchen, I take the opportunity to sneak off into Asher’s room one last time. I’m not expecting the rush of emotions that hit me as soon as I open the door. The room holds so many memories, and as they flash through my mind, I lean my back against the wall and sink to the ground. Tears well up in my eyes as I glance around the room. It’s where we shared our first and only dance. It’s where we made love for the first time and the last. It’s where we talked about the future we would never get to see together. It’s where I learned what happiness is. It’s where I learned that life is meant to be lived.
God, I’m going to miss Asher. I’m going to miss him so much.
“Kate, where are you?” my mom asks from the hallway. I stand and grab the bag of clothes I had left there be
fore answering her back.
“I’m in Asher’s room,” I reply back, sitting down on the edge of his bed. I notice his guitar resting against his dresser and more beautiful memories come back to me. I’m going to miss that too.
“Hey, what are you doing in here?” she asks, opening the door. She takes one look at me and sits down, wrapping me tight in her arms again. “Hey, it’s going to be okay. I know it hurts right now, and if there were anything I could do to make it better, I would. I hate to see you going through this.”
Daniel walks in, resting his shoulder against the door jam. His eyes look sad and bloodshot. I can hear him talking to my mom, but their voices are muffled by my grief. It’s hard to concentrate on anything but what I’ve just lost.
Tears pour down my face as I watch Daniel talk to my mom, recognizing every feature that he and Asher share. They have the same defined cheekbones, the same perfectly pouty lips and the same shade of blue in their eyes.
I never want to forget him.
“I’m glad he met you, Kate,” Daniel says, wiping a tear from under his eye. He leaves the room without saying another word.
I glance around, trying to see through my blurred eyes. One of his worn t-shirts sticks out from under the bed. Scooping it up, I bring it to my nose to take in the familiar scent. Until it wears off, I plan on falling asleep with it next to me every night.
“I think I’m ready to go,” I whisper, standing with my back to the wall.
“Okay, I’m going to drive you home.”
“No, I can drive. Besides, I need a few minutes to myself.”
She stands in front of me and closes her arms around me again. “Don’t argue with me. You’re in no shape to drive yourself.”
There’s no point in arguing with her. I don’t have the strength, and I know she’s right. “Fine.”
“I love you, Kate,” she says, kissing my forehead.
“I love you, too.”
She leaves the room, leaving me alone to say my goodbye. I take one more look at the familiar ivory curtains and see rain pelting the windows.
I really need Asher right now.
****
It’s like I’m floating in the air, watching everyone else go about their lives while mine feels like it’s at a standstill. Strangers smile when I don’t think they should be. How can someone be so happy when I’m so lost? This whole experience has made me more cognizant of everything around me.
I hate when I walk up to someone and they ask, “How are you today?” How am I supposed to answer that? Do people just expect for everyone to be okay all the time? I’m sure they don’t want to hear about how my heart has been torn from my chest and thrown against the wall.
They wouldn’t understand.
I help Daniel plan the funeral. He asked me if Asher mentioned anything about how he wanted his funeral to be. We spent more time planning our future than we did planning his death, but it was going to be hard to explain that to his dad. Instead, I helped him pick out the perfect music to be played, and the perfect verses to be read. Asher’s life was short but it wasn’t without meaning. I want to make sure every second of his memorial means something to his past.
Everyone agrees that Carrington is the best place for Asher to be buried. It’s where his roots are. It’s going to be the second worst day of my life when I have to watch him being lowered into the ground tomorrow. It will be the last time I can be that close to him.
Nothing can prepare me for that.
Asher’s mom drove back to Carrington with his sister, and they’ve been in town ever since. We’ve been spending time together, remembering times with Asher and helping Daniel pack up some of his things.
“Do you mind if I take a couple things?” I ask Daniel, that afternoon. I already took a few things the other day, but I feel like no matter how much I take, it will never be enough to bring me closer to him.
“Take what you want. I think he would want you to have his things anyway. He really loved you,” he says, handing me an empty box.
The first thing that draws my attention is the turtle I had given him not long ago. That night was so special to both of us, and every time I look at the stars, I think of him. I walk over and pick it up, reaching behind the nightstand to unplug it, then carefully tuck it into my overnight bag.
“Do you need help?” my mom asks, walking up behind me.
“No, I need to do this,” I cry, wiping my eyes with the back of my sleeves. “Just give me a few minutes.” She backs away, resting her shoulder against the door jam.
Next, I spot his iPod resting on the doc station and carefully remove it, tucking it into my purse. Music was such a big part of us, and there are songs on it that remind me of some of the happiest moments we shared.
Hopefully having these little pieces of Asher will help me. Every day is difficult and comes with new challenges, but surrounding myself with people who are going through the same thing helps.
Watching Aubrey makes me think of Asher. I like seeing the little bits of what I love about Asher in her. I see him in her smile, her eyes, the way she tries to take care of her mom, and even with the warm hugs she gives Daniel.
“Kate, do you want to go get something to eat with me?” Aubrey asks.
The last thing I really feel like doing is eating, but one look at her and I can’t tell her no. Asher would have wanted this.
“We can do that,” I reply, smoothing my hand over her silky blonde hair. It feels just like Asher’s did.
“Where do you want to go? Do you have a Starbucks here?”
That makes the corners of my mouth turn up slightly. “No, the only place that’s open right now is Bonnie’s, but they have good milkshakes. And if it’s coffee you really want, I happen to know it’s always fresh.”
“Sounds good to me, but it’s a little cold for milkshakes, don’t you think?” she asks, lifting one of her eyebrows.
“It’s never too cold for ice cream.”
I take one last look around the room before we pull on our coats and head to my car. It’s too cold to be walking around Carrington today. We ride the ten or so blocks in silence, listening to some old country song on the radio. Whenever I hear it, I think of Beau. I selfishly wish he was here with me right now. Just being able to see his face would make me feel better.
Without Beau or Asher . . . well, I’m not quite sure where I belong.
We pull into the familiar parking lot and head into the restaurant. Aubrey seems amazed by the décor of the small diner. It looks like something straight out of the fifties or sixties with the red booths and checkered laminate flooring. I’ve been there so many times that it’s nothing special to me, but I can see how it would amaze a big city girl.
“Are the cinnamon rolls good?” she asks, looking up from her menu.
“I think so, but they are the only ones I’ve ever had, so I have nothing to compare them to.”
“What are you getting?”
I watch her eyes scan the menu before looking back down to mine.
“I think I’m going to have a milkshake and French fries,” I say, remembering the way Asher always dipped his French fries in his milkshake.
“That’s Asher’s favorite. He used to take me out for fries and milkshakes after school,” she says sadly.
“It was. That’s what he used to order when I first met him.” I look up at the door and remember the feeling that washed over me the day he walked in here. He was a stranger then, but I knew that he would become so much more. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like our souls were meant to be together.
“He really liked you,” she tells me.
“Yeah, I really liked him, too,” I reply, smiling back at her. I don’t know if she understands the deep concept of love. I’m not even sure if I understood it until just a few months ago.
“I miss him already,” she says, her eyes welling with tears.
This little girl is breaking what’s left of my wounded heart.
“I miss hi
m too,” I say softly, resting my elbows on the table so, “but he’ll always be right here with us. When you need him, a piece of him will always be with you.”
A single tear falls from my eyes as I process my own words. Tomorrow, when we’re at Asher’s funeral saying goodbye, it’s won’t necessarily be goodbye. He will always be the reason I breathe to live my life and not just to live. He’s the person who showed me that there is a way to get past everything that ever held me down.
He gave me a second chance.
Chapter 26
I’ve known this day would come, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Physical pain is bothersome, but emotional pain is suffocating. It’s like someone has their hands wrapped around my neck, squeezing as tight as they can. I can’t breathe. I can’t think straight. I just want Asher back. I don’t want to stare down at his lifeless body in a mahogany casket; he doesn’t even look like himself. I want him back, holding me and telling me how much he loves me.
Yet, here I am. Standing in front of the rectangle box. I run my hand along the silk fabric that lines the inside as tears run down my cheeks. I recognize some of his features, but others look nothing like how I remember. His skin is pale, and without being able to see his eyes, he’s barely recognizable. I’m afraid to walk away because I know I’ll never see him again.
He’s going to become just a memory, someone I can only look at in a picture. It’s a reality that hits me like a cement block. It’s hard to stand, so I’m grateful when two hands grip my shoulders, helping to support my weak body. When I turn my head, I see my mom crying right along with me. She removes her hands and wraps her arms around my waist. Her warm, comfortable closeness soothes me and gives me the permission I need to let out every ounce of grief I have left inside.
“Everything’s going to be okay. We’ll get through this,” she whispers, squeezing her arms a little tighter.
“I miss him, Mom,” I cry, placing my arms over hers. “Why did he have to go? I loved him.” My knees are weak, but her strength holds me up.