by Lisa De Jong
When I glance at the front yard again, Beau is no longer standing there. In fact, I don’t see him anywhere. There’s a lump of pain in the back of my throat as I walk toward the one place I know he escapes to when he needs to think or calm down. It’s the same place he went when he was in trouble with his mom or dad when we were younger. It’s the same place he went when his grandpa died when we were twelve. It’s probably the same place he went every time I tried to push him away the last two years of high school; I just never had the courage to find him those times.
As soon as the trampoline comes into view, I see him lying on his back in the middle of the large black circle. Just watching him lie there motionless makes my stomach churn. There is no way that I’m going to get through the next few minutes without falling apart . . . I can’t even imagine what this is doing to him. I’m the one in control, and he has no choice but to live with whatever decision I make, no matter how much it might hurt him. This whole situation makes me want to fall to the ground and beg him to listen. And when I think about what will happen if he won’t . . . I can’t even put that sort of heartache into words. I knew I loved him before, but seeing him now, in so much agony, I realize how deep that emotion really is.
“Can I join you?” I ask, running my fingers across the metal ring that surrounds the trampoline. It’s so quiet that the faint phone ringing at the neighbors’ house is the only disturbance.
When he doesn’t respond, I slowly crawl onto the trampoline hoping to get his attention. I need him to say something. It really doesn’t matter if it’s anger that I hear; I just need to know that he’s not giving up on our friendship. Silence means nothing, yet it means everything.
I mimic his position, resting my hands under my head and crossing my legs at the ankles. I throw my gaze in every direction besides his, trying to get a grip on my emotions as I try to figure out what to say to make this better. The sun reflecting off of the black fibers provides a little bit of the warmth my body had been missing, but I need the guy lying next to me to fill in the rest. When I finally get the courage to glance over at Beau, all I see is the side of his face. I don’t know how much more of his silence I can take. I need to feel him breathe, and I would give anything to hear his voice.
“I didn’t want to stay and watch you kiss him again,” he says quietly. I’m surprised that he broke the ice first, but his words only drown me further into misery. I didn’t even think twice about Beau seeing us when I kissed Asher’s cheek, but now that he pointed it out, I feel like an insensitive bitch. He didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve any of it.
“Beau, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.” I stare at him, trying to read what’s going on in his mind right now.
“It really shouldn’t matter that much to me. It’s not like you were ever mine,” he says, pinching his eyes closed.
“I never meant to hurt you. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do and the fact that I have . . . I’m really sorry,” I say, feeling a tear roll down the side of my face.
“Make me understand, Kate. Why him? Just a few weeks ago you told me you weren’t ready for any of that,” he says, finally looking at me with his teary eyes. Hearing his pain feels like a bulldozer driving into my heart, over and over again.
“I didn’t think I was ready but—”
“Just say it, Kate! You realized it was me you didn’t want. Am I not good enough for you?” He’s blinking rapidly, but it’s not enough to stop the first bit of moisture that falls from his eyes. My heart feels shattered and broken, beyond any sort of repair. There are no words to describe how much I want him . . . it’s just not the same sort of want he has for me.
“That’s not it at all,” I cry, using my sleeve to wipe the warm tears from my cheeks. “Things are different with him . . . it’s hard to explain. He’s not trying to bring back the girl I was before D—”
I almost said it. I almost laid my secret out for the second person in two days.
He rolls to his side, resting his head on his hand. “Before what, Kate?” I shake my head, turning away from him. “He knows, doesn’t he? You told him after only just meeting him, but you can’t tell me.” He sits up quickly, causing the whole trampoline to shake underneath us. I feel the anger rolling off his back as it hits me right across the face.
“It’s not like that. He shared something with me about himself, and then it just sort of came out.” I pause, trying to make sense of why it felt okay telling Asher, but not my best friend. Maybe I should just tell him and let things fall where they may. Maybe, if I told him, things would be less strained between us because he’d understand why I’m not who I used to be. But in the end, all I have are a bunch of maybes with no guarantees and I can’t risk damaging our friendship any more than it already is. I’m not ready to tell him, not like this, and honestly I don’t know if I ever will be.
“Someday, when the time is right, I hope I’ll be able to tell you. But I can’t right now.”
We lie in complete silence, avoiding the other.
“You remember that time we came out here in seventh grade to look at the constellations?” he asks, tilting his neck to look up at the sky.
“Yeah,” I say, sitting up next to him. It was a beautiful night and everything was absolutely perfect. It was also the night I realized I was falling for him.
“I wanted to kiss you that night, and every night after, but I didn’t because I was scared. Scared that I would blow the one chance I had with you but now . . . Fuck. I don’t even get my chance, do I?” His hands cover his face while I try to catch my breath. “Just answer one question for me. If I had kissed you back then, would things be different between us now?”
“I would have never let you go,” I cry. My whole body is shaking; having nothing to do with the bitterly cold weather anymore.
“Tell me why we can’t be like that now,” he says, sitting up next to me. I’m used to the strong, self-assured Beau, but the guy whose shoulders are trembling next to me looks anything but and it’s my fault.
“I can’t really explain it. Things change. People change.”
If Beau and I had been a couple that Friday night, I probably wouldn’t have even gone to that bonfire, and I definitely wouldn’t have given Drew the time of day. Beau would have been the center of my whole world.
“So where does that leave us?” he asks, just loud enough that I can hear it.
“You’re my best friend. I hope you always will be,” I whisper, reaching for his hand. He pulls it away before I get close, causing my heart to drop. He’s purposely putting distance between us.
“You said it yourself. Sometimes things change. Just remember that you made this choice, not me,” he says in a tone so distant he might as well be a million miles away. I watch in silence as he scoots to the edge of the trampoline and slides off. Things can’t end like this.
“Beau!” I yell. He halts in place, his shoulders shaking. “You’ll always be the first boy I ever loved. I won’t forget that. Ever.” Big, ugly tears slide down my cheeks.
He slowly turns, giving me a glimpse of his bloodshot eyes. “Up until a few minutes ago, I thought you’d be my last.”
My vision blurs as he disappears into his house without giving me another glance.
His parting words vibrate through my ears. He imagined a forever for us, and I just blew apart any hope he had for that kind of future. If I had been able to communicate better, things could have been different between us. Sometimes I feel like life is just a bunch of failed opportunities. I’ll always regret the one I lost with Beau. I think we both will.
My heart feels like a piece of glass that’s been slammed against a ceramic floor. It’s completely and utterly shattered. I’ve hurt the one person in my life that has always been there for me. Maybe he’ll come around again, but the voice in my head is telling me that I might not be able to undo this.
I pushed him too far this time.
“Kate, is that you out there?” My mom is standing be
tween our house and Beau’s with her robe and a pair of pajama pants on.
“Yeah, it’s me,” I reply, climbing down from the trampoline, “I’ll be right there, Mom.” I’m not quite ready for that interrogation yet.
“Okay, but hurry up. It’s already lunch time.” Using the sleeves of my sweatshirt, I wipe the tears from my eyes and take several deep breaths, hoping to calm my racing heart. The last thing I feel like doing right now is watching a bunch of romantic movies. They’re just full of lies and false hopes.
A part of me wishes I had stayed at Asher’s instead of hurrying home this morning. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have had to face Beau like this. Then again it was probably inevitable. I couldn’t ignore him forever.
I slowly walk toward the house, trying to swallow the tennis ball in my throat. This is going to be a really long day. When my foot reaches the second step, I hear a door slam and glance up to see Beau climbing into his truck. He starts it up, letting the sound of the old muffler fill the neighborhood. His right hand grips the top of the passenger seat and turns his neck to back out of the driveway, but his eyes quickly snap back to penetrate mine. They’re still red and swollen, but the rest of his features are completely expressionless.
All I want is to run to him and beg for some understanding. There’s so much I wish I could say to him.
“Are you coming in? A new movie is about to start,” my mom yells through a small crack she created by opening the door slightly.
“Yeah, I’m coming,” I say, turning to take one more look at Beau’s truck. As soon as our eyes meet again, he looks out his back window and pulls out of the driveway. I rub my aching chest with the palm of my hand as his truck speeds down our block and disappears out of sight. I let him go today, giving him the closure he needed to move on with his life.
My mom glares up at me with narrowed eyes when I shut the front door. Her lips are pressed together as she scans my face. “Beau was looking for you earlier. He seemed pretty worried,” she remarks, focusing her attention back on the TV screen.
“You know, I’m actually not feeling very good. I think I’m just going to go lie down for a while. I wouldn’t be very good company today, anyway.” I hurry down the hall, slamming my bedroom door behind me. She yells my name a couple times, but I ignore her. I need some peace; some time to clear my mind.
I do love Beau . . . he’s not just my past, I want him to be in my present and my future. But not in the same way he envisioned us.
Chapter 16
I walk to work, letting the fresh air help clear my mind. The colorful leaves rustle in the trees as a strong wind blows through. The town is eerily quiet this early in the morning, aside from an occasional car or truck passing by. It’s not quite like a relaxing spot on the beach, but it’s the perfect way for me to work through the maze in my head.
When I woke up this morning, the realization that I didn’t do anything wrong yesterday hit me. I’d feel better if I knew what Beau was doing right now and if he’s okay. It was going to happen sometime, but I hate how it ripped him apart. Just picturing the look on his face when he walked away from me is enough to make me sick to my stomach.
I keep telling myself that it’s for the best.
He’ll be able to move on now.
One day, I hope that Beau can accept my choice, and we can go back to the way we used to be before feelings were hurt and things got complicated. I love Beau. I really do, but love is a confusing thing and sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between loving someone and being in love. Someone who’s lived for sixty years and loved many times probably couldn’t even explain it with precision. How do they expect a nineteen year old to figure it out? Instead, I’m relying on the voices in my head, which have pointed me to Asher over and over again. He makes me want things I never wanted before, and I can’t ignore that.
I make it to the diner just in time, hurriedly tying my apron and clocking in. It’s quieter than normal because the farmers are in mid-harvest, so they’re in and out of here before the sun even comes up. I actually find myself missing the familiar chatter and laughter.
“Hey, Kate,” Diana yells from behind me.
“Hey. Busy this morning?” I start prep for a fresh pot of coffee and make sure the water pitchers are full.
“It wasn’t too bad. I can’t wait until these farmers get out of the field, though. I’m not an early morning person, and trying to hold a conversation before the sun rises is not making me a happy camper.” She sighs, reaching over my shoulder for a coffee cup. “How’ve you been?”
I shrug. “Things are going okay.” Things would be great if I could hear Beau’s voice right now and know that he’s going to be okay. Thoughts of Asher also play in my head. What is he thinking after everything that happened when he dropped me off? He’s probably confused. As soon as I can, I’m going to clear everything up.
“Your mom said it looked like you had a little spat with Beau. Do you want to talk about it?”
I roll my eyes and spin to face her. “Is there any gossip you two don’t share?”
“I’m afraid not,” she says, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Let me tell you, though, every woman from thirteen to one-hundred drools over that boy. Be happy that you’re the one he chose to fight with.” She leaves me standing there, completely stunned. I appreciate Beau, and respect him for the person he is. That’s the reason I need to do everything I can to make things right with him, or I’ll regret it.
When I push open the metal door that separates the kitchen from the dining room, Asher is sitting in a booth in my section staring out the window. He comes in a lot when I’m working, but it’s usually just for lunch. This is the first time he’s actually made it here for breakfast.
I texted him last night and told him I wasn’t feeling well. Physically I was fine, but emotionally I was a wreck. Looking at him now, I know without a doubt that my heart pulled me in the right direction. There’s something about him that makes it impossible for me to stay away.
When I’m just a few feet away, he notices me. I expect to see a grin spread across his face, but instead he draws his brows in as he runs his hand through his hair. I glance around and quickly realize the frown on his face is, in fact, directed at me.
“You’re here early this morning,” I say, running my sweaty palms across my apron.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay. What happened to you last night?” His voice is flat, making it impossible for me to read him.
I can’t look at him in the eye and tell a half truth. Asher makes me want to have a real life, but I feel guilty about everything because Beau means so much to me. I can’t say I’m stuck between the two because my heart tells me over and over again that it’s Asher I want. But a person can’t have that much history with someone like Beau, and not carry them around with them.
I nervously take the seat across from him, clasping my hands on the table. “I needed some time to sort things out.”
“I know,” he says, leaning across the table. His eyes lower to the napkin he’s been ripping into tiny little pieces.
“Then why did you ask?”
“To see if you would tell me the truth,” he says, bringing his eyes back to mine. He looks like he didn’t sleep much last night, and it weighs heavy on my heart to think that I also caused Asher pain in some way. Causing unnecessary pain is one thing I’ve become really good at recently.
“It didn’t have anything to do with you. I was emotionally drained, and I needed some time to work through everything that was going on in my head. Beau has been my friend for a long time, and I hurt him.”
“Just give him some time. He’ll come around.”
“I hope so.” I want to be optimistic, but I need a sign of something better to come before I can move forward. I get glimpses of it, but then it always seems to fade away.
“He loves you, you know,” Asher blurts, glaring out the window. It’s early and the streets are almost vacant aside from a few cars parked in
front of the diner.
“How do you know that?” I ask, curious how he was able to pick that up after meeting Beau for all of five minutes.
“There’s a certain way a guy looks at the girl who he can’t live without,” he says, still not turning his head to look at me.
“And how is that?” I swallow hard. I have no idea where this is going.
His eyes snap to mine, making it impossible for me to move. “Like she’s everything he’ll ever need.”
I couldn’t form a word right now if someone sounded the whole thing out for me. Warmth is coursing through my veins like a runaway train as we stare at each other. I wonder if he’s feeling it . . . he obviously has felt it at some point in his life or he wouldn’t be able to put it into those words.
“And how did you get so wise?” I ask, trying to slow down my heartbeat.
“Living this life does that to you,” he says, glancing out the window again before focusing back on me. “Do you love him?”
“Not in the same way he loves me,” I say, nervously fidgeting with my fingers. “Look, I don’t know what you think happened yesterday, but right now you’re the one I want to spend my time with. I haven’t felt this way in a long time.” I want to reach across the table and wrap his hand in mine, but I’m hesitant because I have no idea what’s going through his head right now. It scares me.
“What do you mean?” His question is eager and hopeful.
“I’m happy,” I say simply.
“And I hope that you stay that way,” he says softly, reaching for my hand. That’s the thing about him . . . he’s not afraid to do the things that scare me.
“With you, I finally feel like that’s possible.” I don’t miss the downward cast of his eyes or his hand tightening over mine. Maybe I’m moving too fast or revealing too much.
“Hey, Kate, table four is ready to order,” Diana yells, walking past our table with a tray full of plates.