by Lisa De Jong
“You need to understand that I’d never hurt you. Every time we’re alone or I get too close to you, you look so scared of me, and I can’t stand it when you look at me like that, Kate.”
He doesn’t wait for me to respond. He stands and closes my door, leaving me speechless. I think a lot of people misinterpret my fear for sadness. I’m not a happy girl but the one thing that holds me back more than anything is the feeling that someone or something is out there waiting to cause me pain. I feel like that every single day, and it’s exhausting. I can’t believe how easily he sees through me. He’s learned more about me in one week than anyone else has picked up on in years.
He doesn’t bother looking at me when he gets into the car and puts it in drive. I relax, sinking down into my seat as we drive through town toward the lake. It’s only a ten-minute walk from my house, but Asher seems to be attached to his car. It would be nice to have in case it rains. God, please don’t let it start raining.
As we pull up a gravel driveway, I notice Asher’s dock is on the opposite side of the lake from the beach that Beau and I frequented as kids. This side is full of houses; some big ones owned by successful business people in the area and some smaller ones used mostly for fishing. It turns out Asher’s dad has one of the smaller log cabin type homes out here. It’s cute, but I think the deck out back is bigger than the entire house.
Asher turns the car off and turns to face me. “Ready?”
“Yeah.” I smile.
It turns out fishing is more relaxing than I ever thought it could be. Instead of being nervous because it’s only the two of us, I feel comfortable, and I think I shock both of us when I laugh at Asher’s attempt to get me to put my own worm on the hook. The sun may not be out today, but I feel warmth shining through my soul as I’m able to forget everything.
It’s quiet out here. Every now and then, we hear birds fly over or the wind blowing through the long grass, but everything else is still. If you come out during the summer, the lake is packed with boats, but today we only see one small fishing boat in the distance.
My bobber goes under water, causing me to scream like a schoolgirl. I don’t remember the last time I was this excited about anything. I start to reel it in, but it must be hooked on something because my pole is bending, but the line isn’t moving.
Asher steps behind me, wrapping his arms around mine to grip the pole on either side of my hands. I take a few deep breaths to ease the grip on my chest. “Take it easy. We’re going to move it a little to the left and try it again,” he whispers, his mouth not far from my ear. He guides my hands to the left until we’re able to reel the line in. When the hook finally lifts from the water, all that’s on it is seaweed.
“So I guess I don’t have the first catch of the day,” I joke, laughing for the second time today.
“I guess not,” he laughs, keeping one hand on the pole and wrapping the other around my waist so that my back is against his chest. I close my eyes, letting myself feel the warmth of his body against mine. His fingers stroke my side, sending butterflies into flight in my stomach.
“That means I still have time to get the first catch,” he says, pressing his nose into my hair. I feel safe in his arms, and for a second I imagine myself spending more time wrapped up in them, but I quickly let the thought go. We’re just friends, and I can’t be anything more than that with anyone right now.
He surprises me by kissing the top of my head before letting me go. I feel cold, wishing I had the courage to ask him to wrap me back up again. He keeps giving me these lasting memories that make me aware of the heartbeat that still exists within me. I haven’t had these feelings in so long, and I’m not sure what to do with them.
“I think it’s time I tell you my fact for the day,” I pause, glancing down at the dock, “I haven’t laughed this much in two years.”
He stops working on the hook and seems to contemplate what I said. He’s probably wondering what happened two years ago, but he doesn’t press me. He knows what it’s like to have to keep things buried inside.
“I’m glad,” he says, returning his attention to the hook. He pulls the last bit of the slimy greens off before putting another worm on the hook and throwing it back in the water for me.
“So what’s yours?” I ask, turning to face him. He puts my pole down in a holder at the end of the dock next to his and stares down at me like something is tearing him up inside. He swallows hard, looking up to the sky, then back at me. I want to curl up in his arms and take away his uncertainty, but I can’t solve problems that I know nothing about.
His brows are pulled in as he moves closer to me and reaches his hand up to my face. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t look away from him right now. His eyes captivate me and pull me in every time I see them. Right as his hand is about to touch my face, he pulls it back to his side. His eyes move down to my lips before coming back up to meet mine.
“I really want to kiss you . . . but I don’t want to scare you away,” he whispers.
I step back to get some more space between us so that I can catch my breath. He closes his eyes tight and turns to look out onto the water. My skin tingles and that fluttery feeling is back in my stomach. If he had given me a million chances to guess what he was going to tell me today, I would never have guessed this.
I want to say something, but all my thoughts are fuzzy. He starts reeling in our fishing lines and packs up his tackle box, throwing things inside and closing it shut. I feel horrible, but I still can’t say anything. He seems hurt, but not shocked. I’m the one in shock.
He turns around and looks everywhere but at me with his hard eyes. “We should get going. It’s getting darker to the west. I think a storm is coming,” he says before walking past me to put the poles in the storage shed. My heart sinks past my stomach to my feet. Would I have let him kiss me?
I walk to the car and wait for him, resting my head against the passenger side window. I sneak a glance at him when I hear his door open, but he doesn’t look my way. He starts the car and doesn’t waste any time before putting it in reverse. His jaw is tense, and he’s gripping the steering wheel as if it’s his lifeline. I want to apologize, but I have no idea where to start, so I focus back out my window, watching the houses go by until I snap out of my daze and recognize the ones on my own street.
I thought I’d be relieved when he dropped me off, but I feel like crap because I still haven’t said a single word to him. If I don’t acknowledge it, it will all go away.
He stops in front of my house, putting the car in park, but not saying anything. I unbuckle my seatbelt and put my hand on the door handle, pausing before opening it. “I’m not scared of you,” I whisper before opening the door. I don’t look back to see his reaction, my heart won’t allow it. I don’t stop until I’m in my house with my back resting against the front door. Only then do I realize that I did want Asher Hunt to kiss me.
****
I’ve been pacing around my room since Asher dropped me off. All I can think about is how I’m going to make this right. The last few times we’ve been together, he always makes plans with me for the next day before letting me out of his sight, but he didn’t make any this time. I should let him come to me when he’s ready, but I’m just worried that maybe he never will be.
My phone starts to ring and I quickly move to my dresser not even bothering to see who it is before picking it up. I want to hear Asher’s voice again.
“Hello,” I say, continuing to pace.
“You finally answered your phone.”
Beau.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I wasn’t prepared to explain anything to him tonight.
“Hey,” I say, banging my palm against my forehead. I’ve been stupid to ignore him for this long. All I’ve done is create an even more awkward conversation.
“Look, Kate, I don’t know what’s up with you, but when you don’t answer my calls, I worry about you. What’s going on?” he asks. Beau never beats around the bush, and
he always expects the truth from me. I just wish he knew how much further he pushes me away by always expecting something from me. Asher pushes me to do things I wouldn’t usually do, but Beau pushes me emotionally. Maybe, subconsciously, I am pushing him away so that I can figure out who I am now.
“I’m sorry. I’ve had a lot on my mind,” I reply. I’m good at giving only half of the truth.
“I’m coming home this weekend,” he says, frustration dripping from his voice.
“No. I want you to spend one month just having fun, and then if you want to come see me for a weekend, you can. Maybe I can even come to visit you.” The last part isn’t likely to happen because too many people from my past go to the same college; people who made my life hell the last two years because I wasn’t “me” anymore.
“Dammit, why are you doing this? And what’s this shit about if I want to come see you?” he asks, his voice getting angrier.
“You’ve been with me almost constantly for two years, Beau. At some point, you just have to live your life and let me wallow in mine!” I yell, more than a little frustrated with him.
“I talked to Morgan the other day,” he says suddenly.
“What does she have to do with this?” I ask, softly banging my head against the window. He knows how Morgan treated me, and I’m surprised he even gave her the time of day.
“She stopped me in the student center to tell me she saw you last weekend at Carrington Days. She said you looked really good . . . with your new friend,” he says, putting extra emphasis on the last word.
I close my eyes tight and turn back to the window, sliding down to the floor. I didn’t want him to find out about Asher this way. I don’t want him to think he’s replaceable because he’s not.
“Oh, that was just Asher. He’s new in town, and I was showing him around,” I reply, resting my forehead against my knees.
“I could barely get you out of the house when I was around, but you’re going to Carrington Days with some random new guy?” His voice is full of frustration.
I wince. “He dared me.”
He’s silent for a few seconds. I try to think of something else besides my lame excuse, but I can’t. “You know what, I’m too tired to deal with this today. I’ll just text you tomorrow.” He doesn’t wait for me to reply before hanging up the phone.
I feel like someone just drove a screwdriver through my heart. I don’t know why I keep him at arm’s length when it’s obvious he just wants to be there for me, but I also don’t know why he lets me. He just wants what’s best for me, but I hate that he keeps sacrificing his own happiness to give it to me. I don’t deserve it. I send him a quick text before getting ready for bed.
I’m sorry.
I started the day out with a best friend and a nice guy who I’ve been having fun getting to know. Now, I’m pretty sure that my best friend isn’t talking to me, and that guy who I’d like to know better is probably giving up on me.
Why can’t things just go back to the way they used to be?
Chapter 10
I have today off, and all I can think about is how I’m going to fix the mess I created yesterday. Beau never responded to my text, but after a day or two, I’m hoping he’ll come around and talk to me again.
Asher is a different story. I don’t know if he’s used to running from things like I do, or if he faces them head on, but I feel as if I’m the one in control of the situation. It’s my turn to make a move and decide where we go from here.
After lunch, I take a chance and run to his house to talk to him. I need to let him know that what he said yesterday doesn’t affect our friendship, but I can’t be any more than that right now.
When I reach his street, I notice his Mustang isn’t in the driveway, so I jog past the diner and it isn’t there either. The only other place I can think of that he might be is the lake house. I pick up my pace. I need to talk to him and get everything out in the open before I lose the courage to go through with it. The longer run just gives me more time to figure out exactly what I’m going to say.
As I near the residential side of the lake, I can see his car in the driveway, and my heart starts to beat a little harder inside my chest. I’m only minutes away from trying to salvage one of the few good things to have walked into my life.
I slow to a walk as I get closer. I can hear movement from behind the house, so I speed up my pace, anxious to see him again. I hear his voice but my feet halt in place when I see that he’s not alone. He’s facing my direction, but his eyes are focused on a woman with long blonde hair who stands less than a foot in front of him. He’s holding a piece of her golden locks in his hand, running his fingers down the length of it. The worst part . . . he seems to be enjoying himself.
He isn’t looking at her like he looks at me, but there’s a lightness to his expression that I don’t normally see. I don’t know who the girl is, but I find myself getting irritated when I see the attention he’s giving her.
I can’t watch them anymore. I walk backwards a few steps before turning to run back down the driveway.
“Kate, wait!” Asher shouts.
I hear his feet hitting the gravel and I stop, knowing it won’t take him long to catch me.
“What are you doing here?” he asks. I can feel him close behind me.
I spin around to face him, trying to come up with a new plan for how I’m going to apologize. His eyes are shooting darts into me, and the light expression he had just a couple minutes ago seems desperate now. I’m only a couple feet away, but I can hear every breath he takes. It reminds me of the way he looked at me on the dock before he told me he wanted to kiss me.
“I came to apologize for the way I acted yesterday,” I say, looking behind him to see the blonde looking in our direction. “But I see that you’re busy so I’ll just leave you two.”
I turn to start toward the road again, but he grabs my arm and pulls me back into his chest. “Don’t go,” he whispers.
I try to move forward, but his arms are wrapped too tightly around me. “Please let go of me!” I yell, trying to free my body from his arms. Being confined instantly makes me tense.
He loosens his grip on me, but continues to hug me close. “Stay.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, shaking my head back and forth. “Why? I don’t want to be the third wheel.”
“Stop! Becca just came over to say hi,” he says. I can feel his warm breath against my neck.
“Asher, I’m just going to go. Call me or something,” Becca says, walking around us toward the house next door. He lifts one hand in front of us to wave goodbye but doesn’t loosen his hold on me.
“It looked like more,” I say with a little more edge in my voice than I intended.
“Why does it matter?” he grits through his teeth.
That’s one question I don’t have an answer to right now. I don’t understand why seeing him with someone else affected me so much when the reason I came over here was to tell him I wanted to remain friends.
“I don’t know!”
I just can’t take it anymore. The last twenty-four hours of frustration and regret catch up to me, and all I can do is fall back into his arms. The last few days, I started to feel more like a person with a beating heart, but now I feel like it’s all slipping away from me again. Asher spins me around so that my chest is pressed against his and holds me tight in his strong arms as I let everything pour out of me. Usually, I shut myself down until I’m safely inside my bedroom before I let myself breakdown, but for some reason I’m able to let Asher see it all.
“Will you talk to me?” he asks, carefully rubbing his hands up and down my back.
I shake my head against his chest. Just because I’ll let him see me like this, doesn’t mean I’m ready to let him hear about the ugly demons that live inside me. He holds me against his body until I’ve calmed down enough that my body stops shaking.
He takes a step back, but wraps his hands around my elbows to keep me close. “I think now would be a g
ood time to tell you my fact for the day. I’ve been with my share of girls, but you are by far the most complicated, frustrating one. Yet, for some reason, I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“I’m not with you,” I say, shaking my head.
He swallows, briefly looking away from my eyes. “I know.”
For the first time, it hits me. The reason my heart was on fire when I saw him with his fingers in Becca’s hair, and the reason I’m so frustrated . . . is the reason I came here today. I want his fingers caressing my hair.
And right now as I stare at his lips, I want to feel those too.
I’m jealous.
“What is Becca to you?” I ask, trying my best to hide the bitterness in my voice.
He glances up at the clear blue sky before his eyes find my face again. “She’s lived next door for as long as I can remember. When I was younger and I visited my dad, we used to have lots of fun together. She’s just an old friend.”
“Do you like her?”
He pinches his eyes shut, shaking his head. “Not the way you think. She came over here, and I thought I could get lost in her . . . to forget you. It didn’t work, in case you’re wondering.”
“You looked pretty content when I walked around the house,” I say, shuffling my feet in the gravel until a layer of dust comes up.
“I was just trying to have fun,” he says, reaching up to tuck a stray piece of hair behind my ear. He removes his finger slowly, letting it brush behind my ear. I instinctively close my eyes and feel the warm tingle that runs down the length of my body. It’s amazing what one little touch can do.
When I open my eyes, I see the difference in the way he looks at me and the way I saw him looking at Becca. He was being playful with her, but when I look into his stormy blue eyes, I see desire, need and pain. He’s letting me see things that he isn’t showing others. I want to help him with whatever he’s hiding. I think maybe we can even help each other.
I lick my lips, noticing how his eyes immediately focus in on them. “I think it’s time for me to give you my fact for the day,” I say softly, bringing his eyes back up to mine.