by Lisa De Jong
I’m too shocked to speak. No one has ever talked to me like this, and I don’t know how I feel about it. He’s almost to the door when I find my voice again. “I’ll meet you there at three. At the entrance to the carnival.”
He nods, confidently walking right out the door.
I don’t know what just happened. I wanted to say no, but my heart won out. Only time will tell if this is something I’ll regret.
Chapter 7
Work flies by way too fast. We’re busy because people from surrounding communities have come over for our town’s summer festival. I secretly wish my boss would ask me to pick up an extra shift tonight, but he doesn’t. I don’t even have Asher’s number to call and tell him something came up or that I’m sick and can’t make it.
Unfortunately, it looks like I’m going to have to keep my word and meet Asher at the fair.
The whole drive home, I mentally run through all the scenarios on how this afternoon could go. I’m stepping way outside of my comfort zone to do this today, and if I admit that to him, I don’t think he’ll be surprised. My plan is to tread slowly, and if something goes wrong, I’ll just go home. I’m trying not to make this harder than it has to be. It’s a public place; there will be plenty of people wandering around.
Who knows? Maybe I’ll actually have a little fun. And at the very least, I’m getting some free fair food out of it.
I quickly jump in the shower, because I only have thirty minutes to get ready. I decide on dark skinny jeans and a long green tank I have hanging in my closet but have never worn. I don’t have time to dry my hair, so I put some product in it and let the natural waves take over. I’m not one for much make-up, but I apply some moisturizer, a little mascara and a thin layer of lip gloss. I don’t care how I look most days, and I’m not going to go out of my way to get all dolled up for a guy I barely know.
My nerves don’t boil to the surface until I’m in the car, heading toward the center of town. My stomach is in knots as I drive around, looking for a place to park. I pull into one of the church parking lots and finally find an empty spot. My hand shakes when I reach up to turn the car off.
The thought of just going home runs through my mind again, but something tells me that Asher would be at my house looking for me not long after. It wouldn’t be hard to figure out where I live if he doesn’t already know. Maybe this should scare me, but something deep down inside tells me he would never hurt me.
Carrington Days is a big festival with carnival rides, entertainment, and plenty of fried food. Later tonight, they’ll have a free concert in the park with a beer garden. I haven’t been here the last couple years, but I remember coming here as a kid and having a really good time. My mom used to let me go on five rides, and then right before we went home, she would buy us a bag of the warm Tom Thumb donuts. Just thinking about those makes my mouth water. Those are the type of memories I always want to hold onto.
It feels as if a million butterflies have been let loose in my stomach by the time I reach the entrance. I don’t see Asher anywhere, so I find an empty spot on the bench and wait. Maybe he’ll do me a favor and just not show up.
I recognize many of the families that walk past. If anyone is surprised to actually see me here, no one acts like it. One little girl walks up to me and reaches a hand full of sticky cotton candy in my direction. “No, thank you,” I say, smiling as her mom comes up behind her and apologizes. I would love to be that young again; things were so much simpler.
“So you can smile,” a deep masculine voice says from behind me. I look over my shoulder; Asher is standing there, grinning at me. He looks tired, but good in his khaki shorts and light blue t-shirt.
“Everyone can smile,” I reply hesitantly, standing to face him.
“Yeah, but not everyone does.” When I’m about to tell him that everyone without a smile has a reason for it, I realize that’s the one thing I don’t need him to dig any deeper into.
“So, what do you want to see first?” I ask, nervously biting my lower lip.
He points his thumb behind his shoulder. “Do you want to try the rides?”
“Aren’t we a little old for that?” I ask, shifting my weight to one side. It then dawns on me that I have absolutely no idea how old he is. It’s never come up, but how could it have come up when I’ve spent no more than ten minutes with him?
“No one is ever too old for fun,” he says, reaching for my hand. I pull both arms across my chest to avoid his touch and he pulls back, running his hand through his hair. “You’re not easy to get to know, are you?”
Shrugging, I ask, “How old are you anyway?”
“Answering my questions with questions?” he says, shaking his head. Maybe I’ll just piss him off enough that he’ll end this whole thing. “I’m twenty-three. How old are you?”
“Nineteen.”
“See, that wasn’t so hard. A fact for a fact, let’s try that once a day and maybe after a week or two, we’ll be more comfortable with each other. Now, let’s get on one of these rides,” he says, grabbing for my hand again. This time I hesitantly let him take it. It feels odd at first, but after several seconds, I relax, letting him lead the way.
Most of the carnival rides are more suited for young children, but Asher insists that we ride the Ferris wheel. I compromise and tell him I will go on it with him if we can head over to the food stands right after. I can smell the warm cinnamon from the donuts, and it’s making my stomach growl.
When we’re secured into the car, Asher rests his arm behind me. To my surprise, I don’t freak out from the contact. There’s an honesty to him that makes me want to know him a little bit more. But I know better than to trust too easily . . . it can get me in trouble if I’m not careful.
Every time we go up to the top of the Ferris wheel, I can see the whole town of Carrington. I can see where almost every memory I’ve ever had took place from up here. There’s my old elementary school and the high school as well as my house and the diner. Up here, I feel above it all, like the world can’t touch me. But it’s only going to last for about three minutes before it all ends and my feet are back on the ground.
When the ride stops, Asher pushes his fingers through the front of my hair. I instantly close my eyes, trying not to draw back. “You had a few pieces of hair out of place,” he whispers, tapping the end of my nose with his fingertip.
“Thanks,” I say, opening my eyes again.
“So, what do you want to do now?” he asks as we climb out of our seat.
“Donuts,” I reply, grabbing for his hand and pulling him toward the food stands. His skin is slightly calloused, and I notice how perfectly his hand fits in mine. It’s comfortable.
He laughs before quickly catching up to me. It’s turning out to be a pretty good day, and I’m actually glad that I came. Beau’s the only person who I usually feel comfortable around, but it’s nice to know I haven’t completely forgotten how to make friends.
“Have you lived here all your life?” Asher asks. I look in his direction and notice how the corners of his eyes crinkle up against the sunlight. My grandma always said how fine lines were a sign of wisdom. Maybe she was on to something.
“Since I was five,” I reply, glancing at the small craft booths as we walk by. There’s everything from quilts to flower arrangements, but nothing that peaks my interest.
“Do you ever travel?”
“No, we never had the money to do much of that. Sometimes we go into the city. You?”
“My family usually takes two trips a year. I’ve been to Europe, Mexico, Costa Rica and over half of the fifty states,” he says, squeezing my hand in his. “Carrington might be one of my favorites, though. It has certain things that other places can’t offer.”
My whole body stiffens. He’s moving way too fast; somewhere I’m not ready to go. “It’s so peaceful here. Something about it makes me feel untouchable,” he continues. I let out the air I’ve been holding in my lungs and relax back into just enjoying his compan
y.
“What do you like to do for fun? I mean before you decided to enjoy the peace of small town life.”
“Up until last year, my life was all about drinking and having a good time. This past year, I’ve been trying to figure out where my life’s actually going,” he says, looking over at me with one of the saddest expressions I’ve ever seen. I want to tell him he doesn’t have to pretend for me because I certainly won’t be doing it for him.
“And did you get it all figured out?” I ask.
He reaches his hand up to rub the back of his neck. “No, sometimes we don’t get to decide our future. Let’s just say I’m taking a little break from it all.”
I know exactly what he means. One night, one moment, one decision can change the whole path that our future takes. This is one thing I can relate with.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
He shakes his head. “No, let’s just have fun today. That’s what we came here for, isn’t it?” he asks, stopping in front of the donut stand.
“I guess it is,” I say, trying to bite back a smile.
The line is long, but it’s worth the wait when we finally get to the front and I have the warm bag in my hand. Words can’t even express how amazing these donuts taste. I haven’t had one in two years, so I’m going to savor every bite today.
We’ve just started eating our donuts when I notice Morgan and her posse moving in our direction. I drop the donut into the bag and watch them in silence. Asher must have sensed my sudden change in mood because he looks from me to the girls approaching us.
Morgan’s eyes stay on me, while the two girls behind her have theirs set on Asher. “Hey, Kate, who’s your new friend?” I already want to throw-up on her black wedge sandals. She hasn’t paid much attention to me in two years, and now she wants to act like we’re friends so that I’ll introduce her to Asher?
“If you want to know, why don’t you ask him yourself?” I say, surprised that I’m actually standing up to them.
“Geez, Kate, you don’t have to be such a bitch,” Jenna says from behind Morgan. I can feel my face reddening. I feel a hand press against my lower back and look up to see Asher standing right next to me.
“Wait, are you guys on some kind of date?” Morgan asks, her eyes going wide. She’s probably thinking that Asher looks way too good for me.
“Look, why don’t you girls move along,” Asher says, taking one step forward. His tone scares me, but it doesn’t seem to affect them in the slightest.
Morgan steps up, standing so that her breasts almost rub against his chest. “When you’re ready to have fun, which you certainly won’t have with Kate here, come find us,” she purrs. I don’t know what happened to her, but she’s sure changed from the girl I used to know.
“Not likely,” Asher says as he grabs my hand and pulls me away.
As soon as we are away from the crowd, I pull my hand from his and feel the tears collecting in my eyes. Maybe I’m not meant to have any sense of normalcy around here.
I turn and start walking to my car. I’ve had enough of today; it’s just a reminder of why I don’t let myself do these kinds of things anymore. The memories always flash back, and the people who knew me before always measure me against the girl I used to be. I’m not her anymore, and I’m not sure if I even liked her when I was. She was naïve and stupid, and her actions are what got me here.
“Kate,” I hear behind me. I don’t turn around. I don’t slow my pace. I just keep going. “Kate, come on, don’t be like this.”
He eventually catches up to me but he’s winded, bending to catch his breath. “Where are you going?”
“Home,” I say, unlocking the door.
“Why?” he asks, throwing his arms in the air.
“You saw what happened back there. You shouldn’t be wasting your time on me. I just want to go home.” My lip quivers as I reach for the handle of the car door and pull it open.
“Running isn’t going to solve your problems, you know,” he says, leaning against the side of my car.
“No, but it certainly gets me far away from them,” I cry, sitting in my driver’s seat and pulling the door shut. I just want to go home.
“Kate!” he yells. I pull the car out of park and wait for him to step back.
He slams his hand against the hood of my car, hard enough to make me jump but not to leave a dent. “Fuck,” he says under his breath. I don’t know if he intended for me to hear it, but I did.
I’m not even out of the parking lot before I feel warm tears roll down my cheeks. I should have never agreed to come here.
This isn’t my place anymore.
****
Neither my mom nor I work on Sundays. I’m not sure how I feel about that today. I need the distraction that work provides, but I don’t want to run the risk of seeing Asher. What happened yesterday had nothing to do with him; I realized that while I was lying in bed last night. It had everything to do with my issues, and I wish I could go back and change the way I handled it.
My past has nothing to do with him. My shame and guilt have nothing to do with him. But it all bleeds into every aspect of my life, and this is the reason we can’t be friends. I can’t let anyone else get hurt because of me. Everyone should stay away from me because, in the end, I know I’ll let them down.
I decide to go for a run before my mom gets up and suggests we should go out for breakfast, or traps me into a day of Lifetime movies. The minute my feet start pounding on the pavement, I feel some of the tension leave my body.
I saw Asher as a new beginning, but eventually he’ll figure out how I used to be. I think if I could move away from here to a place where no one knows me, I might have a chance at happiness, but I can’t do that either. There’s a comfort in staying home . . . but there’s so much agony too.
I can’t decide if I want to stay or run away, but I do know I’m afraid of being alone.
We all build a sense of identity as we grow up. It’s shaped by our family, our friends, where we grow up, our talents, our weaknesses, our victories and our mistakes. Hopefully, by the time we reach adulthood, we know who we are.
I was almost there once; I’d been on the cusp of figuring out who I was, but it was all wiped away because someone felt like he needed to steal my power away from me one night.
I need to get it back somehow, or there won’t be anything left of me.
When I return home, I take a long, hot shower before being sucked into a movie marathon with my mom. Lucky for me, she’s tired from a long week at work and doesn’t feel like talking much. Sometimes I wish we had a different relationship so I could tell her everything. I’ve often played out how I would tell her about Drew in my mind, but it never ends the same. Would she be ashamed of me? Would she tell me how stupid I was for going into the house that night? I just can’t bring myself to that point, knowing there is a chance she’ll be disappointed in me. I still need her.
It’s past eight in the evening when there’s a knock at the door. Mom’s been asleep on the couch for at least an hour. I run to my room and grab a zip up sweatshirt to cover my cami and cotton pajama shorts before peeking through the side window to see who’s at the door.
It’s Asher. What’s he doing here?
I slowly open the door just enough for him to see me. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” he asks nervously as he leans back against the railing.
I put my index finger over my lips, looking back at my mom to make sure she’s still sleeping, and then slip out the front door. “What are you doing here?”
“We didn’t do our fact for a fact today,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck.
“What?” I ask, dumbfounded. He came all the way over here just to give me a fact.
“My fact for the day: I wanted to come over here as soon as you drove away yesterday. I want to know you. I want to know what it is that made you cry, but more than that, I want to know what I have to do to make you happy again,” he says, his voice soft.
&nb
sp; I’m taken aback. Why does he care so much? He doesn’t know me, but his sights are set on figuring me out. Maybe we’re more alike than I thought.
“Why do you care?” I whisper.
He shakes his head. “I don’t know. I just can’t stop thinking about you.” I feel a lump growing in the back of my throat.
“Asher, there are lots of other girls in this town who would be happy to get to know you. Don’t waste your time on me,” I say, looking down at my hands to avoid his reaction.
He places his finger under my chin, lifting my eyes to his. “I only want to know you.” My heart is beating so fast that he can probably see it through my sweatshirt.
“I don’t do the whole dating thing,” I say, trying to catch my breath.
“I just want to be your friend.”
“Why me?”
“Why not you?” he asks, running his thumb across my chin.
“It’s not easy for me,” I whisper, trying to pull my eyes from his, but the finger he still has under my chin won’t let me.
“What do you have to lose?”
He has no idea how much a person can lose by trusting someone, absolutely no idea. But I can’t quiet the voice in my head that’s telling me to take a chance on Asher . . . I had fun yesterday before my past came crashing down on us.
I nod, hesitantly. “Okay.”
“Well then, friend, tomorrow I’m picking you up after work and we’re going to do something fun.”
“And what’s that?” I ask, nervously.
“It’s a surprise,” he says before starting down the steps.
I watch him walk down the sidewalk without muttering a word. When he reaches his car, I realize I never gave him a fact. “Wait!” I yell.
He stops in front of his car and I move toward him, not wanting the whole neighborhood to hear me. His hands are in the pockets of his jeans as he brushes his tongue along his lower lip. For the first time, I actually sense tension between us, but it’s not bad tension. It’s just a strong pull that I can’t quite explain.