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Past
“Hey, baby, did you miss me?” Christian asked when I answered the door. I was not expecting him, but a few days ago I must have mentioned that my mum would be working late tonight and my sister Josephine would be going to a sleepover with her friend Alison.
“Yes, sure, but I thought that we weren't going to see each other today,” I said.
“Are you going to let me in, or should I just go home?” he snapped, looking irritated that I kept him waiting.
I wasn't in the mood for his company tonight. Our A-levels were coming up and we both needed to study. Christian never asked me if I wanted to see him; he normally just showed up. But it had been getting harder and harder to keep away from him, and our dates always ended up in arguments lately.
“Right, sorry, come on in,” I said, as he slid through the door and dumped his jacket on the floor for me to pick up, as usual. We never used to argue and he used to let me do what I wanted, but in the past few months he started pushing me to have sex with him, like he knew that I was never planning to sleep with him. On his eighteenth birthday he pushed me into his bedroom and started undressing me. Somehow I managed to talk him out of it, but our evening ended up in a fight.
Tonight he didn't go to the living room where I expected him to go. Instead he went straight to my bedroom. Christian liked my strong and chilled personality. We’d talked about sex a lot and he had agreed to wait. Dora had no idea that I was still a virgin. She thought that I'd been sleeping with Christian since I was fifteen.
“Are you seriously studying right now?” he asked, pointing at all my books that were spread on the floor.
“The exams are coming up. What did you think I was going to do, play chess with you?” I asked, annoyed.
“I was thinking about something more productive.” He smirked. “Your mother won't be back until late and your sister is having a sleepover, isn't she?”
My stomach tightened. It wasn't so much the fact that I didn't want to have sex with him as it was the fact that I didn't love him, but I was too scared to tell him the truth. I had to break up with him sooner rather than later, even if none my friends supported my decision.
He got up and pulled me to the bed, pushing away all my books. He was an affectionate guy. When we first started going out I thought that I loved him. It was a few months later I realised that it was his brother, Oliver, that I wanted.
Christian pulled me to his chest, and I parted my lips, letting his tongue slip into my mouth. I felt nothing and the agitation began to grow. I could no longer pretend that I enjoyed making out with him. His hands began their journey across my body, moving over my hips and legs. The tiny voice in my head kept telling me that if I let him start doing this, he wouldn't stop. He deepened his kisses and ran his tongue down my neck, growling with pleasure. I closed my eyes, imagining that Christian wasn't there and that I was kissing Oliver. He touched the warm spot between my legs and I let go of a gasp.
“Okay, stop. This is not what I had in mind today,” I told him, pulling away. But he held me tighter and pushed me down so I was underneath him.
“I know you want this. Stop playing prude,” he said, situating himself on top of me. His hardness was pressed over my core and my anxiety grew as the seconds passed.
“Christian, I told you that I want to wait. How many times did we have this conversation already?” I asked him in a high-pitched tone.
“Fuck that, India. We’ve been going out for ages. I'm horny for you, baby. Don't you want me?”
No, I didn't want him, but I was too much of a coward to tell him that. When I didn't respond, he lowered himself and started kissing me again, pulling my T-shirt away at the same time.
“No, stop it. I'm not ready.” I squirmed and scuffled beneath him. He let go of me and I jumped off my bed.
“You are just a teasing bitch!” he shouted, clenching his fists. His panting breath and the obvious bulk in his trousers gave me a horrible feeling inside. He roared and pulled my cabinet to the floor, everything fell over, all my boxes with jewelry and makeup. Then he sprang at me and smacked me in the mouth. Stunned, I lost my balance but didn't fall. For a second I had no idea what just happened, but then I looked at him and fear slid right through me. His eyes grew wider and scarier.
“This is what you get for teasing me,” he spat out and then left before I could react or do anything. My face radiated with pain, and I stood in my room completely shocked. My boyfriend hit me because I refused to have sex with him. I couldn't quite get how this had happened.
This wasn't the Christian that I knew. He lost his temper and did something that I’d only seen in films. He was toxic and acted like someone that I didn't recognize. I touched my cheek and tears welled in my eyes. I had seen him in rage before when he threw things and beat people up, but he’d never been violent towards me. Not until today.
At that moment I knew that I had to end this before he could go too far, before he could destroy me. But I acted too late to change anything.
Present
Next week when I walk through the corridor to get to my lecture, at least dozen people are staring at me. Oliver keeps stirring the atmosphere, causing the disruption. Later on in the afternoon on my way to the library, I can feel that I'm still being watched. I don't talk to anyone, don't try to make friends in his territory. Instead, I spend a lot of time in the library, studying the cases for my Criminal law class or composing assignments. It's easy to blend in and not cause trouble. Alexander now treats me like he doesn't know me. He is under Oliver's spell and that’s fine for now. I'm not sad or angry. I accept what's happened. It's time to move on.
On Saturday Dora drags me to a rugby match because Jacob is playing and she wants to support him. Okay, I know it's a bad idea showing up in a public place where everyone knows your face and keeps laughing at you. I know that I shouldn't go, but she talks me into this. When I get there I can see it's a big mistake. Dora shouts, cheering for Jacob, and I sit there noticing that Mackenzie and a few of her friends are giving me dirty stares.
The problem is that Dora insisted on sitting in the first row, so she could be close to Jacob, which also means that I'm close to Oliver. It’s clear I shot myself in the foot, but I can't leave now, drawing more attention to myself. Dora doesn't get what the big deal is. Her reputation isn't ruined so it's not her problem.
“Come on, Jacob, come on,” Dora shouts, standing up. I don't even get why she pretends that she likes rugby. On the way to the stadium she complained that it's freezing today and she would rather stay at home. “Hey, listen do you see that guy with blond hair that just went into the field?”
“Yeah,” I reply, thinking of the times when I was a cheerleader when Christian was playing. It was such a cliché. At that time I didn't know what he was capable of.
“His name is Russell, and he just transferred from somewhere in north Wales,” Dora explains.
“And is he going to be your next boyfriend or something?” I ask, curious. Dora never was a monogamist type, but since Jacob there hasn't been anyone else, so maybe people can change.
“Don't be silly. I'm sticking to Jacob. I'm just saying that you might have a free window. He is new, probably available, and handsome.”
I hate her insinuations and already dislike her new idea. Russell is built like Oliver, but his hair is light blond. A warm tingle travels through me when I look at him, but then I shake my head. I won't get involved with anyone in Braxton, not while Oliver is here.
“I won't date him and stop matching me up with the first available guy that you see. Let me find the restroom,” I say and rush away, just as Oliver grabs a bottle of water from the bench near me. His gaze scans over my body, but he doesn't make eye contact. He wrinkles his forehead and smirks like someone just told him a very good joke. I can still feel his eyes on my back when I hurry away, squeezing between people.
I hear a whisper as I pass. “That’s her, the one from the photo and that party,�
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“Go on ask her; she should be available.”
God, even when the attention of the whole school is focused on the field ahead, people are still talking about me. It's like no one wants to forget.
The following day I'm in the canteen eating my lunch and trying to remember the outcome of the case that I had to prepare for today’s lecture, but I keep getting distracted. Oliver is having his lunch with a few other guys from the team. He is celebrating his victory from Sunday. Mackenzie is on his lap and she seems to be enjoying herself tremendously. It's been a few weeks since the atrocious party where I made a complete fool of myself, so I have to be aware of everyone right now.
“Hey, India.” I hear Dora, who approaches my table with Jacob and the new guy that she pointed out to me during the match. Now I have him in front of me, so I can look at him for a bit longer. People are staring at us, like something is just about to happen. Even Oliver stops laughing and he is paying attention to what’s going on around my table. I have radar in my head. I know when he acknowledges me, because I get that unexpected cold chill that travels up and down my body.
“Hey, Dora, Jacob, what's up?” I ask, giving them a light smile.
“Do you mind if Jacob and Russell sit with us today?” she asks, winking at me. I shrug my shoulder, nodding, and get back to my book. Dora sits by me, Jacob and Russell opposite. I don't know what she is playing at, but I don't like it, not even a bit. “This is Russell, and this is my best friend, India.”
“Hey,” I say and keep ignoring this obvious setup. She knows that Russell is probably Oliver's mate by now, which means that he already knows that I'm the famous loser that everyone is talking about.
“So what are you reading up there?” asks a deep amused voice. I lift my eyes from the book, seeing a pure green gaze. His hair is too long, falling low on his square forehead. He has a nice smile and wide handsome face.
“It's a case for my public law module,” I reply, trying to concentrate on reading while Dora is chatting away with Jacob. She shouldn't try to make me happy.
“Are you always so friendly, or just sometimes?” he teases. I lift my head and close the book feeling angry. Russell is staring at me smirking; then he picks up a chip off my plate. I turn to look at Oliver, and he is still staring, probably trying to see if I fall for the same bullshit again like I fell for Alex.
“I’m not friendly at all,” I say flexing my fingers. I have to play cold. Maybe he’ll go away.
“That’s strange because your friend here mentioned that you're pretty funny.”
“She might be a little shy,” Dora adds.
“Thank you very much, Dor, but I can speak for myself and I'm not shy,” I reply abruptly, then take my book and walk away.
“It was nice meeting you,” he shouts, but I don't reply. People must be very stupid if they think that Russell would be a guy that I would date after what went on with Alexander.
The rest of my day drags and in the evening I pop into the library. It's dark when I leave, so I call my mum. We have a quick chat about Braxton and Josephine. I decide to grab some food for this evening from the local supermarket. Jacob is supposed to be staying in tonight and I'm sick of ordering pizza. It's time for me to cook a decent meal for all of us.
“We meet again,” says a familiar voice when I reach for some pasta. I turn around and my smile fades when I see Russell with a shopping basket.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” I ask with slight blush. “Yeah, you are shopping. That was a lame question.”
“Don't worry, I come in here just to check out pretty girls, pretending that I'm shopping. Should we start again?”
“I don't think so. I'm really busy and I’ve got to rush home,” I tell him, hoping that he takes a hint and leaves me alone. But instead he follows, picking up food from the shelves.
“Did I say something wrong? I apologize if I did,” he adds, catching up with me.
I roll my eyes. “Okay, let's cut to the chase,” I say, turning to face him. “I know that Oliver sent you to play like you’re interested, but I’ve got to tell you that you're wasting your time. This plan is not going to work.”
He scratches his head, narrowing his green eyes and looking slightly lost. I have to admit, he plays his role well.
“Oliver, the bloke from the team?”
“Yes, Oliver Morgan. Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about.”
“To be honest with you, I don't. I just moved to Braxton, so I don't really know anyone here.”
“Nice try, but I don't believe you,” I say and continue shopping.
“Hey, come on, at least give me a chance.”
“Sorry, I’ve got to run,” I say. “I wouldn't make a very good person for a conversation anyway.”
"Suit yourself.”
I'm being paranoid now. What if he was genuinely interested and Oliver had nothing to do with this? This is not high school and I shouldn't have been so hard on him. I decide I'll talk to him next time and will be a bit nicer. I’ve changed, so I have to act like it.
Then a memory flashes through my mind unexpectedly. Oliver had a hard life and I was the only one who saw what it was like for him.
Chapter eleven
Forgiveness?