by Ivy Smoak
"Really, it's fine."
"I'm coming."
"Well, we need to get going soon if you insist on coming, so eat."
I wasn't hungry. I couldn't believe he wasn't mad. I was mad for him. I picked up my fork and took a bite of the eggs. They were probably the most delicious eggs I had ever eaten. "Ellen, these are fantastic."
She smiled over at us. "I'm glad that you like them. Eat, James."
I hadn't realized that James was just sitting there. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah." He smiled at me and began to eat.
The dynamic between James and Ellen was pretty clear. She was very motherly and caring. She was the mother he never had. I appreciated her even more because of that. When I finished my eggs and toast I pushed my plate away.
James stood up but hesitated. "Do you want to wear a hoodie or something? I don't want..."
"I want to be with you. No more hiding. Besides, everyone already knows."
"I'd really prefer if you let me do this by myself, Penny. There's no reason why you should be there."
"I'm going to get in trouble too. I have to be there."
He lowered his eyebrows slightly. "You won't. But if you insist, let's go do it then." He held out his hand for me and I grabbed it.
"Good luck," Ellen said to us as we stepped onto the elevator.
When the doors closed I looked up at James. "I like her. She seems really nice."
"She is."
I looked down at my shoes. "Are you nervous?"
"Not really. I have everything that I want. Teaching doesn't define me. Like I told you on our first date, I don't think we're doing anything wrong. This feels right to me."
"It feels right to me too. It's weird, you know. I never in a million years thought I'd be in this situation. I didn't even have my first kiss until last semester. And now I'm embarking on this big scandalous affair with my professor. I'm not even sure my parents will believe me."
James laughed. "You should have called them already. This is just going to get worse as the day goes on."
"I'll call them later. I need to know what the dean says first." I squeezed his hand. I was procrastinating. I was dreading that phone call. "What did you vandalize?"
He laughed again. "There was this professor I hated. I had him for an 8 a.m. The night before one of his classes my friends and I broke into the classroom and drew...vulgar things all over the chalkboard."
"With chalk?"
"Yeah."
"Is that really vandalism?"
He shrugged. "I didn't think so. And I didn't get arrested for it either. It was a harmless prank. Hilarious, but harmless."
"So another lie."
"Mhm."
"And were you arrested for underage drinking?"
"I got a warning. They had a three strikes policy like they do here. I only had two strikes, one for that and one for the chalkboard thing. I was never arrested while I was in Harvard."
In Harvard? I didn't want to press him about it right now. The doors opened and we walked over to his car. He opened up the door for me.
"Well, you're lucky I don't hate you. Or maybe I would have pulled a prank like that on you. I wonder what you would have done if you came into class and there were obscene things all over your chalkboard?"
"I probably would have thought you were giving me suggestions of what I should do to you next." He raised his eyebrow at me and then pulled the car out of the parking spot.
I laughed as we exited the parking garage. As soon as his car emerged, cameras started flashing. I held my hand up in front of my face. "So are they here because you're a rich, eligible bachelor or would this really normally be that big of a deal?"
"I don't know. I'm sure my name doesn't help the situation." He sped off down Main Street. It was early and there was barely anyone out. "I want you to let me do the talking, okay? I'm going to fix this for you. That's my top priority." He pulled into a spot outside a building I had never been in before. Luckily there weren't any news vans outside.
"I wish you had just been a student."
He laughed. "I think you love that you're dating your professor."
My stomach was in knots. "I do. Let's get this over with." I reached for the door handle.
"Hey." He grabbed my chin in his hand. "We got this, okay?" He leaned toward me and kissed me. When he began to pull away I grabbed a fistful of his hair and deepened the kiss. I needed reassurance. I wanted to believe that I wasn't throwing away my education for nothing. He was my future. This was real. It had to be.
I heard the familiar groan in his throat. "We need to stop or I won't be able to go in there. Having an erection during our meeting with the dean would probably be frowned upon."
I laughed and kissed his cheek. "I love you."
"I love you." He opened up his car door and walked around to my side. He put his hand out for me and I grabbed it. We continued to hold hands as we went into the building. It was the first time we had done something like this in public. And I was grateful for his touch, because I was so nervous.
We entered through the side door and made our way through the lobby and down the hallway. He dropped my hand when he opened a door and I walked in before him. There was a young, blonde receptionist. She immediately smiled when she saw James, but her face fell slightly when he grabbed my hand again.
"Hi, Becca. We have a meeting with Joe."
"Yes. Joe is expecting you." She picked up a phone on the desk and punched in a few numbers. "Your 7 a.m. is here." She looked over at me. "Yes, she's here too." She paused again. "Okay," she said and hung up the receiver. "He'll be right out." She looked once more at James and then her eyes drifted back to her computer screen.
James escorted me to some chairs and we sat down. It felt like time was standing still. He leaned toward me and whispered in my ear, "Penny, you're hurting me."
"Oh, geez, sorry." I stopped gripping his hand so tightly. He rubbed his thumb against my palm. The small gesture helped calm me.
He leaned toward me. "Don't worry. The dean likes me. I think everything's going to be fine," he whispered.
"Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?"
"Because I didn't want you to get your hopes up."
"And now?"
"And now I need to believe it's true too." He squeezed my hand.
An older man with salt and pepper hair came out of a room behind the front desk. He took one look at us holding hands and shook his head. He turned and walked back into his office.
James sighed and stood up. He kept his fingers intertwined with mine. We walked together into the dean's office.
The dean was sitting behind his desk. He looked up at us. "Close the door, James." He sounded tired.
James closed the door and we both sat down across the desk from the dean.
The dean sighed deeply and leaned forward in his chair. "Excuse my bluntness, but this is a fucking mess."
"Joe, it was never my intention for this to happen."
"What, you didn't intend to sleep with your students when you accepted this position? Or you didn't intend for anyone to ever find out?"
"I never intended to sleep with a student. Singular, not plural. And I was going to tell you. I didn't want you to find out this way."
"And we met before I knew he was my professor." I couldn't sit there and say nothing. "And he made it clear that we couldn't fraternize. I refused to listen. It was my fault."
James squeezed my hand hard. He was pissed at me for speaking.
"I take full responsibility for this, Joe," he said calmly.
Joe pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. He looked like he was in pain. "Sorry, what is your name?" he asked and looked at me.
"Penny Taylor."
"Well, Penny, this is not your fault. James is an acting professor at this university. It's his responsibility to uphold the rules." He turned back to James. "We have a code of ethics, which I know you're aware of. Although not explicitly stated, dating
a student violates the core values of this institution. What the hell were you thinking? And not only did you fail to disclose this relationship to me, but I had to find out in the damn newspaper." He slammed his fist down on top of his desk where today's newspaper was sitting. "Your ex-wife has made it a point not only to disgrace you but this entire university. It's like a fucking reality T.V. show."
"Joe..."
"I don't want to hear your excuses. You should have told me, James." He sighed and leaned back in his chair. "I know all that stuff your wife said is a lie. But it's going to be hard to convince other professors as well as your students' parents otherwise. They made it seem like you molested her or something." He paused and sighed. "It's a mess. They're pulling me down with you. I've already given my okay to launch an investigation. All your students will have to be interviewed because of the press's allegations, even though no one has openly come forward. And if you're lying about it just being her...if you laid a finger on any other girl...then I recommend you just resign right now, because..."
"It's just Penny."
Joe sighed again. "Well the board has already decided to suspend you during the investigation. That decision is over my head, but I completely agree with them. We may be able to lift your suspension if everything comes back clean after that. But my recommendation is that you two terminate your relationship immediately. This can't go on if you intend to keep working here."
"We're not doing that." James voice was stern.
"Well I don't have any other ideas. We've already had dozens of calls this morning from concerned parents. I have to act or I'll probably be fired next. Stop seeing her and if the interviews with other students show no other instances of misconduct you can keep teaching at this university under a probationary period. If there are no more violations we'll lift the probationary period in six months. And continuing to screw one of your students counts as a violation. So it needs to end. Otherwise we have to let you go."
"Then I guess I resign," James said calmly. He pulled out an envelope from his pocket and put it down on top of the desk. "Here's my letter of resignation." He slid it toward the dean.
"James?" I looked up at him. What the hell is he doing? We hadn't discussed him doing that. When had he written that letter? I hated that he always kept me in the dark. This wasn't the plan. He was supposed to fix it for both of us.
Joe stared at him. "That makes you look guilty of everything people are saying. You'll never get another teaching job."
"I only see two possibilities. I do everything your way, except I keep seeing her in secret, or I quit. And since continuing to work here and keep seeing her seems to be out of the question, I quit."
"Is this really worth ruining your reputation over? The press is already jumping to conclusions. If you resign it'll basically be a confession that you slept with all your female students. It'll look bad on the school too. I need you to say you made a mistake and stop seeing her. Stay out of the news during the investigation. Keep quiet for your six months of probation. That's it. I need this to disappear as soon as possible. Don't screw me on this."
"I don't know what to tell you, Joe. I love her. I'm not doing that."
"You've got to be shitting me."
"I'll have an interview with the press," I interjected.
"Penny," James said. "Please let me handle this." He looked even more pissed at me.
How could he be pissed at me? He had decided to resign without telling me. If anything, I should have been mad at him. "I'll tell them that it was completely consensual. And that I love him. Everyone will calm down. Maybe they won't care if we date then. And you can still conduct the interviews with other students. Everything will come back clean. It will all blow over."
Joe eyed me again. He looked mad at me too. But I could see his mind working.
James shook his head. "No. I don't want her talking to the press. I'm not dragging this out longer than necessary."
"James, let me help you keep your job."
"Enough," he said. He stared into my eyes.
He wanted to protect me. But I needed to protect him too. He loved teaching. I didn't want to be the reason why he had to stop.
I looked at Joe. "Do you think it will help?"
"Several news stations have already called me. It'll be national news by the end of the day. I don't know if it'll matter at this point. It's just a matter of public opinion. They've already labeled him. And in my opinion the only way to change their opinion is for you to terminate your relationship."
"Can't we at least try my idea?" I asked.
"Penny and I need to talk in private for a second." James stood up.
"Nothing about your relationship is going to be private now." Joe stared at us. "Sit down, James. Let's just get this over with." Joe looked down at a paper on his desk.
James slowly sat back down. He leaned toward me. "Penny, we've already talked about this," he whispered.
"No we haven't. You never said you were going to resign..."
"I mean about waiting until you graduate. I'm not doing it. We've had this discussion. If I stay we won't be able to be together. I'm not waiting to be with you. I've already made my decision. And it was the easiest decision I've ever made. Please just let me handle this. I'm not changing my mind."
I didn't know what to say. I felt like he was reprimanding me for caring. I wasn't trying to fix it because I didn't respect his decision. I just wished that he had discussed his decision with me before coming in here. I was just trying to help.
Joe cleared his throat. "Midterm grades are due at the end of this week. You'll still need to submit those. I've already gotten other professors to cover your classes during the investigation. They can just continue doing it until the end of the semester. You two have one class together. The validity of your grades is in question, Penny. You'll have to re-present your speeches to your new professor so he can sign off on them. This way you won't have to completely retake the course. Or you can stop taking the class. That's up to you. But the drop/add window has passed, so you'll have to withdraw and pay the fee for changes in registration. It'll appear as a W on your transcript, but it won't hurt your G.P.A. You'll have to let me know by next Tuesday before the window closes.
"So I'm not being expelled?" I asked.
"No," Joe said. "I'm giving you two strikes which will go on your record. You broke the rules too, but the blame for this lies on James. It has to. The university has standards for their professors. I don't know how your relationship started and I don't want to know. Don't give me reason to make your punishment harsher."
I stayed quiet. All I got was a slap on the wrist. I had been fully prepared to get kicked out of school. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. James rubbed his thumb against my palm. He promised it would be okay and it was. But it wasn't for him. He was resigning. And he was mad at me for trying to get him to change his mind. He was giving everything up to be with me.
"So I'll talk to the press today and let them know about your resignation," Joe said. "Unless there is any way I can change your mind?"
"I'm sorry, Joe," Professor Hunter said.
I felt numb. I couldn't believe this was happening. I remembered running into James at the coffee shop. I never thought I'd see him again. And now it felt like I was ruining his life. We had only known each other for two months. What were we doing here? I felt like I was going to throw up.
"I'd prefer if you didn't flaunt your relationship around the school. I know I can't tell you what to do anymore, James. But I'm asking this as a favor. Let things settle down. We're still running the investigation. The university has to come out looking like we did everything we could do. Especially now that you're resigning. It makes you look guilty. I believe that it's just her, but this is only just the start. It's going to get worse before it gets better." He grabbed the newspaper off his desk and tossed it in the trash. "And I have to ask, under the circumstances. What happened to your eye?" He looked at James' bru
ise. It was fading, but it was still visible.
"Just a misunderstanding."
"Good." Joe sighed. "I thought the next thing you were going to tell me is that you got in a fist fight with a student." He laughed and shook his head. "That's the last thing this school needs right now. And I didn't want to have to talk about that in the interview."
Shit!
James shifted in his chair.
"Penny, do you mind if I have a word alone with James?" Joe asked. "We need to discuss a few more things."
"No, that's fine." I wanted to get out of there. I felt young and foolish. I had ruined James' life. How was he sitting there so calmly? How could he always be so sure of everything? I felt sick to my stomach.
"Go to class," Joe said. "And be prepared for most of the student body to already know."
I looked at James. His gaze was cool. He nodded at me and let go of my hand.
I stood up. "Thank you for being so understanding, Mr. Vespelli. And I'm sorry about all of this."
"Well you really should have thought about that beforehand, shouldn't you have? One more strike and you'll be expelled. Don't let me see you in here again."
I swallowed hard. I looked once more at James. I wasn't sure what they had left to discuss. He'd tell me later. "Thanks," I said again quietly and walked out, closing the door behind me.
Chapter 21
Wednesday
I sat down in my usual seat. I was the first one there. The whole building had been eerily quiet. It felt like I was dreaming. James had made the decision to resign without talking to me. He already had the letter with him. I felt small. He said he would fix it, but I didn't know that's what he had meant. I should have felt happy that we could finally be together. But I didn't. All I could think about was the fact that he had made the decision without me and left me in the dark on purpose. I felt so alone. This wasn't how a relationship was supposed to be. We were supposed to work out things together. I wiped my eyes with my palms.
I wondered how many people in my class would have seen the article. Not many, surely. I didn't read the newspaper. It wasn't likely that many college students did either. But something like this would circulate fast. Even if the article hadn't released my name, it would have been easy to guess that it was me. The speeches I had given were always out of line. Especially the one where I freaked out and talked about hating marketing.